Solve your passenger irritations with our Code of Passenger Conduct

Drivers: Do you get irritated with your passengers? Do their funny little quirks make you grind your teeth in frustration? Do you sometimes want to jump out of your speeding vehicle? If so, we’ve got great news — we’ve written a simple code of conduct for your passengers! By laying down simple ground rules, you can prevent a lot of resentment and arrive at your destination feeling happier and more fulfilled.

Simply print off our Code of Passenger Conduct and insist that all your passengers sign it before you agree to transport them to their destination. Don’t forget to ask for ID!

Passenger Code of Conduct

I, [Insert passenger’s full name _______________________________], wish to be transported to my destination in the vehicle driven by [Insert driver’s full name _________________________].

By travelling in your vehicle, I consent to follow all the provisions of this fair and reasonable Code of Passenger Conduct. I further agree to read and memorise the explanatory notes. I understand that breeching the Code of Conduct may result in the Driver failing to deliver me to my destination. He/she may also impose unspecified penalities of his/her choice, including monetary fines. I understand that travelling in The Vehicle is not my fundamental human right and that, in the event of a dispute, any appeal to the United Nations is unlikely to succeed.

The Provisions:

1. I will not offer unsolicited driving advice

The Driver has already undergone a rigorous testing procedure, in which a highly qualified driving instructor has determined that he/she is capable of driving this class of vehicle unsupervised and unaided.

I undertake not to criticise, assess or in any other way comment on The Driver’s driving style or driving decisions. I will also refrain from nervous coughs, squeaks, sharp intakes of breath or other noises that might be interpreted as criticising The Driver. I understand that this restriction also applies to non-verbal behaviours such as gripping the dashboard or imaginary braking.

2. I will only eat permitted foodstuffs

Even in a stationary building, food and drinks are liable to be spilled and that this risk is considerably greater in a moving vehicle, where a plate and cutlery may not be available.

I agree that once in The Vehicle, I will only consume foodstuff that has a minimal risk of creating wet spills or crumbs. I understand that in practice, this rules out almost all known food and drinks. I further understand that under all circumstances, the following foods are expressly forbidden: baguettes of any description, egg or mayonnaise-based foods, fish and chips, foods that may squirt in unpredictable directions (e.g. tomatoes, orange segments), as well as any foods not previously mentioned that contain a single molecule of grease.

On longer journeys, I may be permitted a raw, peeled potato and I undertake to be more than happy with that.

3. I will not drop rubbish in The Vehicle

Existing regulations against fly-tipping extend to The Vehicle.

I undertake to make adequate provision for disposing of my own rubbish, such as bringing with me a black plastic sack or a pedal bin. In the event of rubbish being discovered after my journey, I agree to pay The Driver a fine equal to or greater than my projected lifetime earnings.

4. I will not interfere with the music, ambient temperature or ventilation

In order to maintain proper control of the vehicle, The Driver needs to maintain an environment that is optimal to his/her individual needs. This has already been precisely calibrated before you entered the vehicle and no further adjustment is necesssary or permitted.

I consent to silently endure the music, ambient temperature and ventilation options chosen by The Driver.

5. I will, when required, offer precise directions

Satellite technology has rendered most of your navigational advice unnecessary, and indeed unwelcome. This includes your ineffective, journey-extending ‘short cuts’. On occasions, however, giving directions is part of your duties as a passenger.

When explicitly requested, I will furnish The Driver with clear and unambiguous directions. These will never refer to other vehicles (e.g. ‘where that grey car just went…’), or offer last-minute choices (e.g. ‘it’s up to you which exit…’). My instructions will not involve non-verbal behaviour such as pointing, especially if I am seated in the rear of the vehicle.

6. At exits, I will keep my head still

Prior to manoeuvres such as right turns, many passengers feel a moral imperative to check for approaching traffic. Passengers need to understand that moving their opaque head may obscure The Driver’s vision.

During manoeuvres that involve looking out for other road users, I agree to keep my head in a neutral stationary position, moving it only as directed. During other parts of the journey, to avoid unnecessary distractions, I further undertake to move my head and all other parts of my body as infrequently as possible.

7. I recognise The Driver’s supreme authority in all matters

The Passenger needs to recognise that in his/her everyday life, The Driver may feel downtrodden, powerless and lacking in personal autonomy. For The Driver’s psychological wellbeing, it is therefore necessary that once in The Vehicle, he/she is treated as a divinely-appointed monarch.

For the duration of the journey, I will recognise The Driver as the ultimate source of moral, spiritual and scientific truth. I will treat him/her as a wise and gentle ruler and maintain a happy and grateful demeanour throughout. I will listen attentively to whatever he/she is banging on about, making occasional sounds that signify interest and approval.

Passenger Signature: _________________________________________

Driver Signature: ____________________________________________

Witness: [Print Name and Sign]__________________________________


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